If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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