Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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