Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
