youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
