I faked an abortion last night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
