I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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