Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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