Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
