ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
