are you still at the devil's house?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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