you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
