So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
