worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
