god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
