No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
