i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
