So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
