All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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