Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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