so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize