New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize