I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
