I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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