You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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