is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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