ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
