my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
