This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
