The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
