meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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