Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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