It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
