first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
