I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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