The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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