oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize