How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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