hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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