She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize