I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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