I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize