Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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