So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
