I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
