I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
