Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
