just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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