I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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