I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
