My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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