My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
