Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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