just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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