Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
