i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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