I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
