that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
