Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Barsexuality is the new black.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
