it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
