I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
