sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
