I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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