your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
