When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
