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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
