Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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