Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize