i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
